


Mystery Maintenance

by Dresupi



Series: Dresupi's Darcyland Prompts (2017) [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Oral Sex, Private Eye!Darcy Lewis, Private Investigators, Smut, Woman on Top, eventual is now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-25 01:06:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Darcy is a Private Eye in New York.  She keeps crossing paths with Coulson.  And by crossing paths, I mean she keeps stumbling into his investigations.  It’s not her fault that people keep bringing her the wacky and outrageous cases, okay?So when a little girl's dog goes missing, she jumps at the chance to take on a "normal" case.Things rarely stay normal around Darcy for long, though.Hopefully Agent Hottie will understand.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hollyspacey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollyspacey/gifts).



Darcy wasn’t looking for trouble, okay?  No matter what Phil Coulson tried to say. People just  _ happened _ to show up on her doorstep asking for help.  And she just  _ happened  _ to help them.  For a fee.

She was a private investigator for cripes’ sake.  What was she supposed to do, Phil?  Turn them away at the door?  It was her livelihood.  Not like S.H.I.E.L.D cared much about that, given their sudden and inevitable betrayal.

Not so much a betrayal as a normal boot out of the nest once she didn’t need to be there anymore.  

But  _ still. _

In fact, quite to the contrary of actively looking for trouble, Darcy was just trying to McFreakin’ chill for once.  Which was huge.  Because Darcy Lewis didn’t chill.  It wasn’t a special skill she listed on her résumé.  

In fact, ever since her internship had ended with Jane and SHIELD had dropped her like a hot potato, she had done everything  _ short _ of chill.  Perhaps even to spite them.  She was a ‘hot’ potato, right?  Kinda hard to chill if you’re piping hot.  

But anyway, not to digress, but for once, Darcy was trying to take old Son of Coul’s advice and chill.  

Of course, he wasn’t exactly thrilled when she’d opened up her private investigation agency a while back, but he could go kiss Mjolnir.

Not really.  She wasn’t sure how Thor’s famed Hammer O’ Thunder would react to that.  

She specialized in cyber investigation. There wasn’t much call for someone with her skill set, so she took her dear old Grandpa Lewis’ steadfast advice and made herself useful. 

There just wasn’t a cookie cutter job for someone with a double degree in computer science and political science.  Weird.  

To date, she’d taken just shy of seventy cases.  Nothing super high profile, since most of her clients seemed to work under the radar.  In fact, she was on retainer to a pro-bono law firm in Hell’s Kitchen that wanted nothing but under the radar stuff.  

Unfortunately, it was because of all that pro-bono work that she did out of the goodness of her heart and the half-crush she had on all members of the Nelson & Murdock legal team that she had to take the paying cases.  All of them.  As few and far between as they were.  

Most of the paying cases got her in hot water with at least one if not more, of the secretive government agencies that she knew of.  And probably some she didn’t.  

The only one she was really concerned with at the moment was S.H.I.E.L.D.  

And the only reason she was concerned with S.H.I.E.L.D was because of the aforementioned Agent Coulson.  

If she had a half crush on Foggy Nelson and Matt Murdock (and Karen Page, who was she kidding?), she had a whole, big, gargantuan crush on Phil.  

So running into him during her various investigations was both exhilarating and embarrassing all at once.  It was hard having a crush on someone who disapproved of one’s life choices.

Which was why she’d decided to take Phil’s advice and cool it for a while.  After that last case, she was liable to agree with him.  She was treading some very deep water.  A lounge in the shallow end might be fun and restful.  A.I.M was one of those secretive agencies that she really wished she hadn’t learned about.  M.O.D.O.K was as creepy as a bag of headless cats.  Creepier, actually, given what he was.  She would have  _ rather _ come across a bag of headless cats than whatever the hell that thing was.  

Okay, so that last statement made her sound pro-headless cats, which she totally was not.  She gave her money and time to a local animal shelter.  She adored furbabies of every type.  So the idea of a bag of headless cats was abhorrant to her.  

That should tell you how much she disliked and was creeped out by M.O.D.O.K.  

Taking on something that made no use of acronyms was definitely a tempting thought. 

So, when a mother, Cynthia Hooper, brought in her daughter, Danielle, to see about a lost dog, Darcy snapped up the case as quickly as she could.  

She didn’t usually get to pick up animal cases, not for lack of trying, but just for lack of availability. Since this one involved a microchipped dog, she was definitely more than able to take a look.  

“So like… what’s stopping you from calling the company who chipped the dog?” Darcy asked Cynthia.  “I figure it’s something, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”  

She was tapping her neon pink gel pen on the paper, leaving a pink dot as the woman in front of her gripped her purse straps and the little girl meandered around the office.  

“He’s a special doggy…” Danielle piped up.  “He can talk!”  

Darcy’s eyebrows went up.  True, it was probably the silly ramblings of a four-year-old, but you could never be too careful in New York these days.  There was a teenage kid swinging around the city on spider webs.  Talking dogs could TOTALLY be a thing.  

There was basically a fifty-fifty shot here of thing-ness happening.  

“He  _ can’t _ talk, Dani…” her mother sighed heavily before turning back towards Darcy.  “He can’t.  He can’t talk. She’s just…”  She waved her hand vaguely.  

Darcy winked at the little girl and nodded. “No, I get it, Ms. Hooper.”  

“We tried contacting the chip company, but there was no data on Roz.”  

“Dog’s name is Roz?”  Darcy asked, jotting it down on the pad.  

“Cosmo,” said Daniella.  “His name is  _ Cosmo _ , Momma.”  

“There was no data available on Roz,” her mother said, persevering with her story even as her daughter adamantly denied the dog’s name.  “None at all.  So, I think maybe the chip might have gotten deactivated?  And it was  _ activated _ remotely, so I thought it might be possible to  _ deactivate _ it remotely.”  

“Was the dog a rescue, or did you get it as a puppy?”  

“He was a rescue…”  Cynthia said, trailing off as the wheels started to turn in her head.  “Do you think that has something to do with his disappearance?”  

Darcy shrugged.  “I dunno.  Depends on what breed it was.  What breed was Roz/Cosmo?”  

“I don’t know…” was the response.  “A mutt?  Maybe some Golden Lab, but there was something off about him.  He wasn’t a full-blooded Lab.” 

“Off how?”  Darcy asked, jotting down the breed.  

“I don’t know.  It’s nothing bad.  It’s just… he doesn’t look like any breed I’ve seen before.  He has  _ some _ qualities of a lab, but then some qualities of  _ something else. _ When we found him?  He was wearing clothes.  Filthy clothes.  But clothes.  I took them off and threw them out when we took him in.  

Darcy frowned.  “What kind of clothes?  Dog clothes?”  

“Like a spacesuit, almost.  Just the suit part.  It was like someone dressed him up for Halloween and he ran off or something.  But the clothes were still on him.”  

“Hmmm....”  Darcy glanced down at her notepad.  “I wish you’d kept them…”  

“That’s the thing.  I threw them out, and then a few weeks later, I found them under Danielle’s bed.  She said Roz--”  

“COSMO!” Danielle countered.  

Her mother continued.  “She said the dog brought them in and hid them there.  That’s not… it’s not relevant to your work at all, I just… here.”  She reached into her purse and pulled out the little doggo space suit.  “This is the suit.  I didn’t know if you’d want to see it or not, so I brought it.”  

Darcy dropped her pen and held out her hands.  The suit was small, and definitely for a dog.  But there was a quality to it that she did not see in dog clothes.  

Well, she supposed that there COULD be a secret dog clothes part of the fashion world that made high end dog clothes.  But if there was?  Why would so much detail be put into the space suit?  The fabric itself felt durable enough to actually withstand space.  Not that she’d know.

There were even patches on it.  Symbols of honor.  Nothing she’d ever seen before, nothing NASA gave out or anything. But there was detail present that couldn’t be ignored. 

She stretched the fabric, felt the density and the strength there.  It was a very high quality fabric.  The only person she could think of to ask about this had resolutely told her to chill.  

In more or less words.  

_ If I ever see you around one of my investigations again, I’ll have your license revoked.   _

That was a resolute request for chill, right?  

And she wouldn’t  _ technically _ be breaking any of Coulson’s rules by taking this.  Asking for a consult was not the same as messing up an investigation, right?  

Right. 

She carefully folded up the suit before looking Cynthia Hooper in the eye again.  “I’ll take the case.  Not promising I’ll find him, but I’ll try my damnedest.”  

Cynthia nodded once.  “Thank you.  That’s all I ask…”  

So much for a zero acronyms case.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Darcy knocks on Phil's door uninvited exactly twice, adopts exactly one adorable puppy, and finds out exactly what happened to one talking dog.

“I thought I told you over the phone that I wasn’t going to give you a consult.”  Coulson’s body language certainly didn’t mesh with his words.  He had one hand on the door and the other was in his pocket.  Not that he had much room for stuff in his pockets, what with  those expertly tailored pants and all.

In fact, if Darcy was a betting woman (and she wasn’t, other than the odd empty bet via text with Jane over the outcome of an episode of Criminal Minds they were watching together from halfway around the world), she’d bet the house on Phil being happy to see her when she knocked on his office door. 

Darcy popped her chewing gum.  “Figured I’d ask you face to face.  It might be harder for you to say no to a pretty mug like mine.”  

“You’d be surprised,” he countered. That wasn’t a denial of the prettiness of her mug, let the record show. 

“Let’s see, shall we?”  Darcy pulled out her phone and quickly went over the notes she’d transferred in before her trek across town had commenced.  

“I haven’t seen any dogs.”  

“Okay, that’s a downright lie.  There are dogs  _ everywhere _ .  There is one visible from your office window right this very second if you were to turn around and look out the window.”  

“I don’t look out the window.”  

“Ever?  You don’t ever people watch? You’re a secret agent.  Isn’t that your thing?”  

He sighed.  “I people watch.  I don’t dogwatch.”  

“Then you are missing out, buddy. Dogs are way more interesting than humans.  Especially this one...”  Pleased with her segway, she swiped around on her phone and brought up the picture Cynthia Hooper had sent her.    

Darcy was certain she saw Phil’s eyes widen when he saw the picture of the dog on her screen.  The golden retriever-esque weird dog.  It was almost like he recognized it or something.  

“Cute dog.  Cute kid. I dunno what else you want me to say.”  

“How about wait until I show you everything before you start with your smart mouth, okay?”  

He shrugged and acquiesced, folding his arms over his chest as she swiped through the rest of the pictures, topping her on the one of the space suit.  “Tell me you’re joking, Darcy.”  

“I’m not joking…” She yanked her phone back from his hand.  “My client says the dog came with that suit.”  

Phil put his hand over his face in a way that had become customary for his interactions with Darcy.  Or at least, it certainly seemed that way.  

“Just promise me something, Darcy.” he asked from behind the hand of shame. 

“What?”  

“Promise me that you won’t go running into anything half-cocked like you usually do.”  

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head.  “I never run half-cocked anywhere.  I’m one hundred percent cocked at all times, Coulson and don’t you forget it.”  

“Listen, Darcy.  I mean it.  I’m going on vacation, I can’t come pull your ass out of the fire this time.”  

“So tell me where the fire is so I can avoid it.  All of the times you pulled me out could have been avoided by simply TELLING me where the fire was.”  

“Most people don’t have to be told where the fire is, Darce.  They can feel the heat.”  

“Whatever.  To be honest, I’m not sure where this dog went and I have no idea where to look.  I’m gonna run by the pound on the way home to see if he’s there.  If he’s not, I’m picking up a new furry friend for Danielle and calling it closed.”  

“Good.  Sounds like a great idea.”  

_ Shoot… _ Darcy thought.   _ I thought for sure that would get something out of him…  _

“Right.  So I’m just gonna stop now.  Before I get in too deep.  No matter how upset this adorable child gets that I fail at finding her dog.”  

“Sometimes dogs are just lost,” Phil agreed.  

“Oh come on, Coulson!”  Darcy all but stamped her foot.  “Just tell me where you know him from.  I know you know him.”  

“Darcy.  I’ve really got to go.  I have another appointment in ten minutes.”  

“That’s a lie.  Your assistant said you had a free afternoon.”  

“I didn’t say I had an appointment with a specific person.  My particular appointment is to stare at my screensaver and do anything but give you ideas for another dangerous self-sacrificing mission.”  

He was herding her towards the door and so she went.  She wasn’t going to get anything else out of him now. She’d have to hack his phone and bug him tomorrow.  He probably wasn’t going on vacation, he’d never gone on vacation as long as she’d known him. 

“Look.  Just... “  He paused at the door.  “Tell your client to  _ wait it out _ , he is probably going to come back soon.  Most dogs do.”  He tacked that last bit on at the end to make his advice sound generic, but Darcy knew Phil Coulson better than that.  Nothing he ever said was anywhere close to generic.

* * *

 

She stopped at the pound on the way home and saw exactly zero dogs who looked even remotely like Roz/Cosmo.  

She did see a positively adorable little mutt of a puppy.  With tons of puppy fluff and a happy little bark.  

Darcy had already named him Buster by the time thirty seconds had passed, so she knew that little bundle of happiness was coming home with her.  

And as she walked him down the street on his leash and back to her apartment, she was sincerely hoping she found Roz/Cosmo, because there was no way she was going to be able to give up little Buster for anything.  

She stopped at the corner market for puppy pee pads and a bag of overpriced organic puppy chow, wondering how she’d become a dog owner so quickly.  

Not to say it was an impulse buy or anything.  Because she knew animal impulse buys were bad news.  

No, she’d been thinking about getting a dog for a while.  Her last roommate had one, and she kind of missed him.  The dog, not the roommate.  

It was starting to get dark out, so she put off calling the Hoopers until the next day, opting instead to take Buster home and get him situated.  She didn’t have anything new to tell them, other than she’d gone and picked up a dog for herself instead of finding theirs.

* * *

 

The Hoopers stopped by after naptime the next day.  

She hadn’t been able to hack Phil’s phone because that goober had upped the security measures since the last time she’d done it.  Seriously, she’d only hacked into it to find the daily agenda of an international group of assassins.  And that was only because Natasha seriously owed her some girl time.  How else was she supposed to get in touch with her?  

She had another plan, but she wasn’t sure if Cynthia Hooper wanted her to proceed.  

They chatted, just small talk, while Danielle played with Buster on the floor.  

“I mean, if you’re coming up on this many brick walls, it might be okay to just… drop it I guess.”  Cynthia sounded resigned.  Pretty much like she was telling Darcy to back off for Darcy’s own peace of mind.  

But she’d been watching Danielle with Buster and had been noticing a couple of things.  

Like how she talked to the puppy.  

It wasn’t like how any other little girls talked to puppies.  In fact, it wasn’t like how  _ Darcy _ even talked to puppies.  That wasn’t to say that Darcy raised the pitch of her voice and went all babytalk on them, but she definitely spoke to animals differently than she did to humans.  She was more candid and open… mostly because they couldn’t really understand what she was saying.  

But Danielle was talking to Buster like she expected him to talk back.  And not in the little puppy yips that she was getting.  

In fact, she was a little bit frustrated with Buster’s puppy yips.  

“What’s wrong, Dani?” her mother asked, reaching over to stroke her hair.  

“He doesn’t understand me…” she pouted.  

“Did Cosmo understand you, Danielle?” Darcy asked, cradling her chin in her hand and leaning on her desk.  “Did you talk to Cosmo a lot?”  

“Yup. And he talked to me.”

“No he didn’t, Dani.” Cynthia sounded just about done with the topic of talking dogs, but the idea intrigued Darcy and renewed her vigor somewhat.  

“What did he say to you?” Darcy asked, sliding onto the floor with Buster and Dani.  

* * *

She wasn’t able to hack into Phil’s phone, but she got into his GPS just fine.  She found him in an apartment in Queens, which, by the looks of things, was actually his. She  _ knew _ he wasn’t on vacation.  Or if he was, the dork wasn’t actually going anywhere. He was just staying home and reading. 

One thing was for certain, he wasn’t upset to see her.  

He wasn’t thrilled either, but she could understand that.  

“Cosmo talks,” she said, grinning as he invited her in. Buster yipped in her arms.  She’d brought him over as a peace offering.  Not to leave with Phil, of course.  But to grease the wheels.  It was hard to be mad in the presence of a cute puppy. 

“And Cosmo is... ?“ he gestured towards the dog in her arms.  

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. “No.   _ This _ is Buster.  And you  _ know _ who I’m talking about.”

“So you think this dog you’re looking for…  _ talks.  _ Based on the testimony of a four-year-old girl.”  

“What possible agenda could this little girl have for lying about a talking dog?”  

Phil shrugged.  “What agenda do kids ever have for lying?  Sometimes they just want to. Maria says three-year olds are like little drunk psychopaths.”  

“Well, Danielle is  _ four _ .  And she’s been straight-up telling me the same exact thing since the beginning.  And her mother doesn’t believe her, so she’s getting no encouragement there.  Plus, you  _ obviously  _ know this dog. I could tell by your body language. And why would you know a dog if it wasn’t some kind of amazing, enhanced specimen of a dog? Hmm?  Answer me that, Phil.”  

“You could tell by my body language?”  he asked, arching an eyebrow.  “Since when have you become a body language expert?”  

“Meh… I can read people.  Really well. In all the times I’ve gotten into shenanigans.  Have I ever been captured?” she asked, not really expecting him to take it at rhetorical face value.  

“You’ve been held hostage in a bank.”  

“Not the same thing.  I’ve never been captured because I can read people.”  

“I work for S.H.I.E.L.D, don’t you think that I’d have all my body language cues trained out of me by now?”  

“You’d think.  But you’re still hella obvious when it comes to some things.”  She winked and walked over to his fridge, popping open the door and taking a look inside.  

She was pulling out a coconut water when he slammed it shut. “What things?”  

Smirking, she nodded towards his hand on the door.  “Like that.  You are either overly protective of the contents of your fridge.  Which… let me tell you, Kale and half a bottle of red wine do not a healthy diet make, Agent,  _ or _ you’re on edge because of something else.  I’m gonna go with something else.”   

“‘Something else’.  How pointed an analysis, Lewis.”  

Fine, if that’s the way he wanted to play. “You’re on edge because  _ I’m _ here.  But at the same time, you’re okay with me being here.  Which all points to some kind of physical attraction.”  She smiled.  “Which you don’t have to be ashamed of, by the way.  I’d be very welcoming of your affections.”  

Phil set his jaw and turned abruptly, walking back around the kitchen island. He nearly tripped over Buster on the other side, who yipped happily, ready to play.  

He knelt down to scoop up the dog, scratching his ears and staring anywhere but at Darcy.  

Her heart was pounding.  Not only because she knew she was right, but because she really hoped Phil would own up to it.  She’d obviously rattled him.  

“Darcy.  Cosmo is an intergalactic diplomat.  He’s from the Nova Empire. He’s a member of a diplomatic council that’s meeting secretly here in New York.  He’ll return to the Hoopers in a few days.”  

Her mouth fell open. That certainly wasn’t what she thought was going to happen.  “Um… okay.  I would think that was a crock of shit if it was anyone else telling me.”  

He huffed out a sound that was likely supposed to be laughter.  “Well, it’s the truth.  Like a four-year-old girl, I have no agenda for lying to you.”  

“Why’s he with the Hoopers?”  

“Cynthia Hooper’s husband is a trusted SHIELD liaison.  He’s out of the country right now, but Cosmo was placed in the home for the duration of his stay on Earth.”  

“So he’ll be back in a…”  

“In a few days. Cynthia doesn’t know what her husband does.  She thinks he’s in internet privacy, or she would have known not to send someone looking for the dog.”    

“Awesome…” she said with a nod.  “Thanks, Phil.”  She held out her arms for Buster.  “I’ll keep that info to myself.”  

“It’s appreciated,” he said stiffly, handing over the puppy.  

She grabbed her purse and slung it over her shoulder.  “I’ll show myself out.  Sorry for barging in.”  

“No, it’s… it’s fine. Darcy?”  

“Hmm?”  

“It’d  _ also _ be appreciated if you would agree to dinner… with me… this weekend?”  

A smile tugged at her lips.  “So I  _ was _ right.”  

“You were.”  

“Those are the magic words, Phil Coulson. I would love to have dinner with you.  But please.  Don’t feed me that kale.”  

He snorted. “I wouldn’t dare.”        


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I said this chapter would have smut. 
> 
> But I had more loose ends to tie up than I realized and so I just added a fourth chapter for the bonus smutty epilogue. 
> 
> LUCKY YOU! <3 
> 
> I'mma try my darnedest to post the smut tomorrow. <3

Darcy knocked on the Hooper’s front door, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.  

It wasn’t  _ this  _ particular visit that had her nerves all jumpy and whatnot.  It was more her plans for afterwards.  

Phil had invited her over to dinner.  And while she was originally thinking that maybe it wouldn’t pan out,  like maybe it would turn into one of those things where they both  _ said  _ they’d get together and then the plans never really materialized?  

But it totally  _ wasn’t _ one of those things.  At all.  

He’d called her once to confirm dinner plans for that Saturday.  And once more to finalize the time he could expect her to arrive and the menu that he was preparing. 

It was apparently happening.  And happening  _ tonight _ . 

She had a date with Agent McHottie  _ tonight _ . 

Now her butterflies had butterflies.  

Awesome.  

Cynthia opened the door and greeted her jovially.  She hugged her.  Which Darcy wasn’t expecting in the slightest.  

“He’s back!  Just like you said he would be!”  

And Darcy couldn’t help but smile at the news.  She was super glad to hear it.  When she’d left the Hoopers a few days before, Danielle had all but begged her to keep looking for Cosmo. 

And she’d promised to come by today on her way to Phil’s to check in.  

Hearing that Cosmo was safe back home certainly took one layer of anxiety off her lasagna of nerves.  

“For real?  That’s  _ great _ , Cynthia!  When did he--?”  

“Just earlier today,” she answered, smiling and placing one hand over her heart.  “You know, when he first got here, I wasn’t really thrilled about having a dog, but I really got used to that mutt.  Danielle is just…  _ beside _ herself with glee.” 

Darcy grinned.  “I’m glad to hear it.”  

“I know you have plans, but… would you like to meet him?  I know Danielle will want to talk to you before you go.”  Cynthia looked so psyched that it would have been hard to say no.  Plus, Darcy had a few minutes before she had to be at Phil’s.  No reason to show up early like some kind of loser or anything. 

She nodded and followed the other woman back into the kitchen, through that room and down a couple of stairs and into a den area.  

There, seated on the rug in the middle of the floor were both Daniella and the dog Darcy recognized as the famous Cosmo. (Or Roz, if you were talking to Cynthia). 

Cynthia left to get her phone.  Apparently she wanted a picture of Darcy, Danielle, and the dog. 

Darcy sat down on the edge of a sofa cushion, reaching out to let Cosmo sniff her hand.  

“It’s okay, Cosmo.  Darcy’s really cool.  You can talk to her,” Daniella said encouragingly.  

Darcy was about to shake her head ‘no’ when the dog turned to look at her.  He looked deep into her eyes and then his mouth opened.  

“Thank you, Darcy Lewis,”  Cosmo said. His voice sounded both exactly the way a dog’s speaking voice would sound and exactly  _ not _ the way it would.  It was almost surreal hearing words come out of his mouth.  

“Dude, you are totally welcome,” she replied.  

And thus went her conversation with a talking dog, because Cynthia returned to snap their picture.  

Darcy had a dazed expression on her face, but it was okay, because Cosmo totally put his paw on her knee.  He straight up posed for the picture.  

“Thank you so much, Darcy…” Cynthia slipped her arm around her shoulder and squeezed.  

“Yes, thank you, Darcy!” Daniella squealed, just before Cosmo barked in agreement.  

She got up to leave after that, waving goodbye to both the dog and the little girl, and trying to hold it together for Cynthia at least until she got outside.  

And as she walked down the block to the subway entrance, she shook herself a little.  Because holy crap nuggets, she’d just straight up talked to a talking dog.  Had a conversation even.  

A sentence and a reply were totes a conversation, right?  

When she told Phil about this, it was definitely going to be a conversation.  She was going to need talking points.  Because she wasn’t exactly sure what she and Phil would talk about if it didn’t include snark.  

What if it was awkward?  

She really,  _ really  _ didn’t want it to be awkward.  She really liked this guy.  There was a certain amount of give and take that was needed to make a relationship sizzle.  And she knew that she and Phil had give and take.  It was just a question of how much take a person could give before they’d given all they could take and then…

Geez, she was confusing herself.  

She hoped that the sex would be hot.  

There. She’d said it.  Or thought it, rather.  

She couldn’t imagine that with a body like Phil’s, the sex would be anything but amazing.  

But she really really hoped it was.  

Like, really.  

* * *

 

She arrived at Phil’s just a scant four minutes after their agreed upon time, still wracking her brain and trying to meticulously plan every possible outcome of the evening.  

And then he opened the door in a fitted oxford and those goddamn tailored pants and her planning went fluidly out the window.  He had his stupid sleeves rolled up.  Showcasing those forearms.  Forearms that she hadn’t even known she needed to see until that precise moment.  And now she couldn’t see how she’d lived her whole without knowing Phil Coulson was a literal pornographic fantasy come to life. 

“Hi,” he said, smiling and looking very relaxed and very much the opposite of how she felt.  

Damn him.  

“H-Heyyyy,” she said, grinning a little too widely and then regretting it immediately after.  

He moved out of the way and she walked in, smoothing her hands down the front of her skirt and hoping to Thor that she’d dressed appropriately.  

She got no clues from Phil’s ensemble.  He always dressed like that.  

Well.  

At work, he wore a tie.  

A tie she liked to think about tugging on.  

But that was beside the point and not helping. 

“You look amazing,” he said, gesturing his hand in her direction.  

Darcy preened a little, all prior questions about her attire went out the window.  Because of  _ course _ she looked amazing.  If Phil was a pornographic fantasy with those forearms of his, Darcy was definitely something pretty awesome too.

“Thanks.”  

“You… uh… you wear that for me, or did you have work today?”  

She smiled warmly and shook her head.  “I never dress this way for work.”  

That made him blush a little and he turned away from her to walk to the kitchen.  The food’s almost ready… would you like some wine?”  

“Absolutely,” she replied.  

He opened the fridge and pulled out the bottle, jamming the corkscrew in the top and twisting.  

“I did, uh… have a small work thing before I came over here, though.  Got to meet Cosmo.”  

He chuckled. “How did that go?”  

“Great, actually.  Totally held a conversation with a dog.  A  _ two _ -sided conversation with a dog.”  

“He’s nice, isn’t he?”  Phil popped the cork on the wine bottle and set the bottle down on the counter while he got the glasses.  

“He was...  _ cordial _ .”  

He laughed.  “He  _ is _ a little dry, isn’t he?”  

“Right?  I was expecting more.  I dunno.  I guess I was expecting like… Dug from ‘Up!’?  And what I got was Mike from Accounts Payable in dog form.  

“When he’s not pressed for time, he’s a lot more interesting, I promise you.”  Phil poured her a glass of wine and offered it to her.  

She wet her lips at the rim and waited for him to pour his own glass. 

It was awkward.  Her worst nightmare was coming true.  They couldn’t navigate beyond the snark to something more than that.  

“You okay, Darcy?”  He asked, peering at her.  

“It’s awkward, isn’t it?  We’re horrible and bad and terrible like this, aren’t we?”  

“Whoa there…”  Phil said with a dry laugh.  “Why do you say that?”  

“Because…” she half whined.  Full-whined.  Yes, it was a one-hundred-percent whine.  And not the kind in her glass.  She shrugged and took another sip.  

He held out his hand and took her glass when she was finished.  “You wanna know what I think it is?”  

“What?” she asked.  She  _ did _ want to know.  And hopefully Phil in his infinite wisdom could come up with a solution.  

“I think we’re both too nervous because we’re anticipating the  _ kiss _ .”  

She raised her eyebrows.  He wasn’t wrong.  But how did he know if the kiss would even be good?  

He set his wine on the table and reached for her.  

And she went.         

From the second her lips met his, she wondered why they hadn’t just been doing this all along.  

Hot holy wowzers, he was good at this.  And she was so glad his lips were keeping hers occupied, because ‘hot holy wowzers’ didn’t need to be said aloud by anyone.  Ever. 

Phil’s face was clean shaven, but there was still the slight rasp from the beginnings of stubble when he kissed her.  

Totally delicious friction.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on for dear life as he pulled her flush against his body, causing her to moan into his mouth.  

“Good?” he asked.  

“So good.”  

“Might be a few other things we could get out of the way.  In the interest of keeping the awkwardness at bay…”  

She was definitely into this plan.  This plan?  It was a good plan.  A  _ very  _ good plan.

“What about dinner?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper because while she knew she had to ask, she didn’t want him to actually hear her and stop.  

“It’ll be just as good cold,” he replied, reaching over to turn off the oven as he led her out of the kitchen and back to what she assumed was the bedroom.  

They moved together so smoothly, it was hard to believe there had ever been any awkwardness at all.  

Phil was absolutely right.  

But she wasn’t about to admit that out loud.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, here's the last chapter! 
> 
> There will come a time when I don't update my fics at midnight. 
> 
> But now is not that time. 
> 
> Thanks for being so patient, guys! 
> 
> HERE BE THE SMUT!!!

Phil stopped walking the second they got into his bedroom, his lips brushing against hers lightly before he reached for the light switch on the wall.  

Darcy’s hands were on that  _ shirt _ .  Tugging it out of his waist band so she could unbutton it.  

Her fingers fumbled with each button as Phil’s lips lightly grazed her throat.  

“Not helping me on my mission here…” she grumbled.  

“Since when have I  _ ever _ helped you on a mission, Darcy?”  was his smart ass response that pretty much got his smart ass pushed backwards onto the bed.  

She shrugged off her cardigan and untucked her blouse from her skirt.  His eyes raked over her with every inch of exposed clothing, but all she could think about was getting those lips… that  _ mouth _ busy elsewhere.  

Closing the distance between them, Darcy cradled his face in her hands as he tugged on the zipper of her skirt.  Knew right where it was.  

No fumbling for zippers for Phil Coulson.  

No sir.  

She wasn’t sure if that should worry her or turn her on, so she just chose the latter.  

If he knew his way around a hidden hip zipper in a pencil skirt, he’d know his way around a four hook bra no problem.  

And not to be crass, but the ladies really wanted to get to know those hands.  

Those very capable hands that were now helping her shimmy out of her pencil skirt and across his lap.  His still very clothed lap.  

“Something seems off here, Phil…” Darcy said.  “Seems like one of us is a bit overdressed.  

His hands moved up to cup her breasts, lifting them slightly in her satin balconette bra.  The only bra she owned that had matching panties.  

And as luck would have it, it was also a miracle bra that made her double D’s defy gravity.  

Her nipples were hard against the satin and she gasped every time his thumbs swiped over them.  The satin left her with little friction, but the teasing touches were doing their job.  

“I’m a little busy here, why don’t you take care of it?” he asked innocently before pushing her breasts up so her nipples peeked out over the lace trim of the cups.  

Licking his lips, he leaned down to enclose one in his mouth.  And as his tongue swiped over her sensitive flesh, she tried to figure out the seemingly impossible: how to get Phil out of those tailored pants so she could get  _ into _ them.  

The obvious answer was indeed the correct answer in this case.  She wormed her hand down between them to stroke over the growing bulge and to scope out the button and the zipper.  

Once she’d found both, she got to work undoing them.  It was some work, too, with him teasing the living daylights out of her breasts.  

He’d switched to the other one now, leaving the first damp and cooling as it dried.  His thumb flicked lightly over it, increasing in pressure and frequency, until he was flicking it roughly and she was whimpering.  

She finally got his pants undone, got the zipper down.  Just in time for her traitorous hips to start rolling against him, seeking the friction that her hard work was denying her.  

“Phil… please…” she whispered, her head falling back as he pinched her nipple lightly, tugging just  _ so _ and making her gasp out his name once more.  

He pushed her up slightly, just long enough so he could stand and lay her back on the bed.  

Phil ran his hands down her body, catching on her nipples and making her arch up off the bed.  They hooked in her panties, dragging them down her thighs and off.  Cast somewhere on the floor, but Darcy didn’t care, because he was pushing her legs further apart, hooking her knees over his shoulders as he leaned over her.  

Mouthing over her heat, she could feel his tongue flick lightly through her folds, parting her to his gaze.  

He mumbled something against her, she couldn’t make out what it was, but she absolutely adored the tone of his voice.  

Phil’s hands came up to grip at her hips, tugging her further down the bed before his lips latched onto her properly.  

She moaned up into the ceiling.  Her hips bucking up to meet his mouth.   

His tongue slid over her, finally finding her clit and swirling around it. 

Dark eyes met hers and she almost came right there from the sight of his head between her thighs, so very clearly enjoying himself.  

He grunted against her as the tip of his tongue became sharper, flicking roughly over her clit.   He moved his head slowly back and forth.  

Her orgasm surprised her with its intensity.  She called out his name, her thighs clenching around his head as he kept up the same grueling pace.  Right up until she pulled him away. 

He licked his lips and pushed up to his feet.  His hands went to his waist as he pushed down pants and underwear at the same time, his erection springing free.  

His shirt disappeared as well, revealing a very toned chest and abdomen.  With a smattering of hair here and there.  

“Darcy…” he whispered, reaching down to take himself in hand.  

Her voice was still kind of gone from orgasm number one, so she just reached out for him, figuring grabby hands was a universal enough sign of consent.  At least until he was pressed against her and she could whisper in his ear just how much she was consenting here.  

“I want you…” she murmured, her hands moving over the expanse of bare skin that had before just been the stuff of very vague daydreams.  

Very vague.  

Like, the real thing was better than anything she could have imagined.  

“I want  _ you _ …” he replied, his lips seeking hers once more.  He tasted like  _ her _ and that just excited her more.  Enough to push him over, to roll over on top of him.  

To reach down and grab his hard cock. 

She moved her hand up and down the smooth shaft, reveling in the heat of his skin as she moved up to position herself over him.  His hands were grasping at her thighs, his hips rocking up to meet hers, to slide the tip of him through her wetness.  

“Christ, Darcy…” His fingers dug in a little as she sank down over top of him, a sly smile spreading across her face when he swore aloud at the sensation, his eyes squeezing shut.  

She moved, experimentally at first, but increasing in speed and intensity in response to his urging.  

“Fuck… more… Darcy… please.  You feel so good, honey… ohhhhh….”  His hands alternated between grasping at her thighs and at the sheets beneath them.  

She found her rhythm, one that burned her thighs, but didn’t send her boobs slamming up into her face.  

And Phil liked it too, if his loud moaning was any indicator.  Who knew that Agent Phil Coulson was a talker in bed?  She’d taken him for the quiet stoic type.  The kind who had to  _ tell _ you they were coming.  

Not that he didn’t tell her when he was coming, because he totally did.  He just definitely didn’t  _ need _ to, she could tell when he was close.  

His thighs clenched beneath her and he gripped the sheet so hard he would have torn it if he didn’t have nice sheets with a high ass thread count.  

His hips slammed up into her and she felt a second, more muted orgasm roll through her with every push.   Her breath caught in her throat as her pace stuttered.

She collapsed across his chest, panting and with him still inside her.  

His hands came up to brush lightly over her back.

“Okay, so definitely  _ not _ awkward…” she said with a laugh.  

“Thanks,” he deadpanned.  “Likewise.”  

She responded by swatting his arm.  “Do you think dinner’s cold?”  

“Oh most assuredly. As soon as I can move my legs, I’ll bring it in here for you.” 

“I get to eat in bed?”  

“Yep,” he chuckled. 

“Mr. Classy Pants over here.”  

He gingerly rolled her over to the side.  “Well, right now, I’m Mr. No Pants, so let me fix that and I’ll be right back with the food.”      

Darcy rolled over just in time to watch Mr. No Pants pull his underwear up over his very nice ass and disappear out into the kitchen.

Trouble in a pair of black boxer briefs, now that she thought about it.  

Maybe Coulson was right about more things than one.  Maybe she  _ did _ go looking for trouble.

If Coulson was trouble in that scenario, then it was totally true.

Again, though?  He didn’t have to know he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
> Comments are love, y'all! <3 
> 
> xoxo!


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